Typically, I’m not this nervous because for the most part, I should be used to this and I’m aware of what I need to do. So I’m not too sure why out of all times I’m feeling this way. Maybe, I’m saying this because considering all of the turmoil that’s been compounding over the last few years, it’s been more of a struggle for me to pick up things as I used to and the brain fog isn’t helping either. I have to exert 5x more effort than I usually do just to retain information that I would’ve been able to pick up naturally.

If I must confess, during my graduation live stream I was pretty frail and I told my friend to pull up the lyrics on screen in case I ever blank out. I usually never resort to cheats like that, however, I was not having the best of times and I was masking a lot of post-traumatic stress.

Even while I was pre-recording my live for AniBrave, my energy was not up to par either and it almost felt like my life force was being gradually sucked out of me, so I had to push myself just to get some momentum going. Of course, if you play back the videos it doesn’t look like that and I seem to be doing fine but hopefully whenever I get the chance, I want to have the courage to open up more about my “idol history” and whatever struggles I dealt with. I know way too much to not be able to say it out loud.

Regardless, I’m still confident I’ll be able to make it through like I usually do and thankfully I’m a lot more prepared. I just want to ensure everything comes out right and I wish my body would cooperate with me. I think once I go through with it, I’ll feel a lot more relieved. I’m also incredibly grateful for my dance friends from KuroPOP who have been encouraging me, helping me with my sanity, and uplifting my spirit. Without their guidance, it would’ve been a little more difficult to pull this off if it was just me doing it solo.