Content Warning: Sex, Sexuality, Sexual Abuse
Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be an appropriate time to discuss sex though it’s been very tough for me to “come out of the closet” with this. It’s mainly due to the fear of others lusting over me, not observing me in a more pure manner, or just overall being misunderstood. Of course, sex itself is not impure and can be a wonderful thing but it’s the way our society uses it that can be almost lethal. I’m also not going to be one of those women to look at someone in disgust and contempt if they have perhaps thought of me in that manner though I would highly recommend them to do some introspection as to why they feel that way towards me in general because more often than not they would only see a pretty face so I don’t think they see me for me. I don’t like being treated as an object for someone else’s gratification and I’m sure they probably don’t want someone else to see them in that way either (unless they are into that and use it as a form of empowerment, kudos to them but I’m not into that). It also doesn’t help to admit that I have been raped and stalked on multiple occasions before so it’s definitely not fun in the slightest to be preyed upon.
Getting to it, as a demisexual I don’t really trust many people with my body and I’m compelled to focus only on the individual I’m emotionally attached to. At the same time, ideally, I would only want the person I’m bonded with to exclusively see me in that regard too. I have entertained the idea of participating in casual sex or even having a semi-open relationship but in practice, I simply can’t do it because my heart just won’t allow me to. I can’t just throw myself onto anyone since it feels too shallow for me.
Despite the fact I’m an extremely sensitive person, also I’m very detached from most people and it’s difficult for me to form solid close-knit bonds with them not only due to traumatic upbringing but also trying my best to restrain from enmeshment. If something feels off or I’m just getting to know a person, I typically keep them at an arm’s length and draw a boundary in my mind so I don’t overstep it. I do this even when I like the person and I’m friends with them. It’s what helps me distinguish myself from others because just knowing who I am if I’m not careful enough I start believing that the other person is me and I lose my sense of self. It’s why I’m not as much of a touchy-feely person as those emotions are reserved for people I hold in high regard. Compartmentalization makes things safe and “sanitary” for me though I do want to continue working on that. I would like to form friendships where I can incorporate consensual platonic touching but there are not many I trust where I can do simply that. There have been times I’ve been intimate with others (either platonically or romantically) but I mentally prepare for them to abandon me which actually manifests regardless of my attempts to amend issues and in turn, I develop further PTSD from their hot/cold behavior towards me.
Another challenging aspect of this is my tastes are vanilla and lots of people I know either deviate from that preference or are just unsavory in general considering their immaturity on the topic. This could sway to extremes of their repressed and shamefully close-minded nature OR their (willingly) unrefined and raunchy outlook on it, which either I don’t want to entertain. My catholic upbringing combined with overall American puritanism made me want to hate myself and almost made me believe as if I was a “whore” for doing it in the first place. Inversely, there are also some who treat it as a commodity and will brag about it for brownie points just for the sake of fitting in as well. Both perspectives are degrading so I’d like to think the act itself is more sacred than that regardless of your personal history on the matter.
I had to figure out that being able to allow someone you trust to touch you intimately can be healing if it’s done properly. I would want to be fully loved in the act of it and feel safe in it. If they can make me be grounded and secure in my body, that’s the most important thing. I think most women don’t talk about this often either due to generations of abuse done on us. A lot of content and discussions of sex are geared towards male satisfaction which isn’t necessarily a bad thing because I genuinely enjoy being able to please another but not many people ever consider female satisfaction as equally. Genetically, I’m predisposed to shy away from the act so even having the courage to do it takes a lot of energy out of me.