For the majority of my life, I had a really hard time distinguishing my emotions from other people. I didn’t like constantly feeling emotional pain all the time so I kept suppressing what my heart wanted in favor of not burdening others. Every time I cried or had a panic attack, I would constantly shame myself for being the way that I am which, in turn, would further lead me to cry even longer – for hours even. I would guilt-trip myself for seemingly hurting others, self-harm, sometimes even get aggressive or violent. The police were even called a few times and I’ve been taken to psychiatric wards. I genuinely hated my overly sensitive nature and I hated to admit to others that I had mental illnesses out of fear that I was attention-seeking or crazy. I wasn’t proud to admit I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Complex PTSD.
I didn’t want to allow my mental illness to define me so all I really could focus on was delving into my idol work because it was the only thing that kept me going. But as I invested more money, time, and energy into it, I found myself repeatedly ending up in situations that weren’t fruitful for me. I felt like it was the most I could get and that I should be grateful I got anything at all. However, what that did for me was perpetuate a never-ending toxic cycle. It was the same scenarios with different people over and over and it felt like I was just reciting a script. As if I was not in control of my life anymore, that everything just switched to autopilot for me, and I knew how each scenario was going to end. Every endeavor that didn’t work out and every single “failure” just reenacted my traumas. I figured if I just endured a little longer, if I gave a little more, if I waited longer, I could probably accomplish something with this. Yet the more I pushed, the further others pulled away.
It was only when I hit absolute rock bottom that I was utterly disgusted with everything, everyone, including myself. How could something that was meant to be pure be completely tainted by individuals and circumstances that go against what idols stood for? I’m not a saint and I definitely had my part to play, yet I could help but feel plagued from witnessing the behaviors of cover narcissism and bulling behind the scenes. At that moment, I truly fucking hated idols. This wasn’t fun for me anymore. I had to isolate myself away from my friends, the community, and people in general. Everything I thought I knew about myself has been stripped away and taken from me and in a way, it was necessary for me to experience such a profound level of pain in order to find out who I truly was at the core of my being.
Through a ton of introspection, I got infuriated with the world and I felt like God was against me. Why did I keep attracting situations like this into my life? I gave every semblance of my identity and sacrificed my sanity for what exactly? What is the point in wanting to continue being an idol, let alone be alive, if this keeps happening to me? I felt completely apathetic and almost numb to my environment, all I could do was sleep constantly for months. While keeping up the appearance online that I was trying to get better, the majority of the time I had no energy to move, no energy to eat, no energy to talk to anyone. It’s almost as if I had gotten worse and for the first time in my life, I was bored with existing. It was then I went through the long, grueling process of spiritual awakening. Every day and every night I was bombarded with my incessant tactile and auditory hallucinations. Grounding myself and trying to make sense of it was a nightmare yet it was something I had to figure out entirely on my own. It was as if I was going through a constant near-death experience.
After a while, layers of my ego were peeled away. I didn’t identify myself with my trauma anymore and I started to believe in myself a lot more. I had to reflect on why my friendships and relationships worked the way they did and heal from the codependent tendencies that were conditioned in me as a child. Realizing that every situation in my life mirrored back to me what I needed to work on, I learned to set healthy boundaries and continually worked on meeting my own suppressed needs. It was important for me to learn how to properly forgive myself and forgive others so I can let go of the old to allow something better in my life to happen. Finally, I started to embrace my sensitive nature since it was through allowing myself to feel my emotions, it became a strength of mine – not a weakness.
The moral of the story is never to be ashamed of who you truly are. You are not defined by your failures, your illnesses, nor your traumas. Pain is an indicator that something in your environment isn’t right so listen to it. By digging through the deepest parts of yourself, you’ll find ways to move forward.
Don’t close the door to the possibility of life improving. You deserve better, you just need to convince yourself so.